The State of Things: October 9, 2024

Or Ellie Just Needs to Vent Right Now

Autumn is here, but I’m not feeling the usual joy it brings. I’m not feeling the coziness when I think about putting on an oversized sweatshirt. I’m not looking forward to warm drinks in my hands while I work away on my new laptop. I just see myself sitting here at my desk, with YouTube open at all times on my phone, because the sounds distract me from most of my thoughts.

There’s been too much happening, too much to juggle, too much to carry. There’s no one to take the load from me, not even briefly while I catch my breath. I feel overlooked, unappreciated, or ignored until someone needs me to fix things for them. And forbid I ever express any flawed shred of humanity, like fatigue, anger, or despair, because that would disappoint them.

My mind keeps wandering back to Dante’s Inferno, and I find myself wishing for my own Virgil to guide me through these nine circles, my own Beatrice to lead me through purgatory, my own St. Bernard to help me see what it is I need to see. If I can see even a sliver of heaven from this hell, it would give me some hope for the future.

I don’t care if sounds backwards or sexist, but I’m so damn sick of hearing about strong, capable women who can have it all. I’m tired of being my own hero. I want none of it.

But if life has taught me anything, it’s that miracles do happen—but never wish for the impossible.

 

Tarot and healing for friends and the messes they love

Note: I have permission to post this, though some details have been changed.

I rarely do tarot readings for friends, not because I hate charging them, or because I doubt my abilities, but because most of them doubt tarot’s effectiveness. The current popular belief sees tarot as more of a tool for introspection than for fortune telling (though I’ve had some readings that were eerily accurate). Since some thought has to be put into crafting queries to get the real answer you’re looking for, people often don’t want to put in the effort—and the querent does need to put in some effort.

For me, tarot has been invaluable in uncovering how I’ve been held back, both by others and by patterns ingrained in me by thoughtless or abusive caretakers. Like the Six of Pentacles reminds me how much I give of myself and rarely get enough back, while The Empress encourages me to nurture myself and find joy in my creative projects, and the Wheel of Fortune tells me that some things are out of my control and I need to trust that things will turn in my favor again. Tarot isn’t my only tool, but it has helped me to stop overthinking and actually take action in my life.

I never expected to use tarot for self-healing, but I was so fed up with feeling stuck that I was willing to try anything, even something alternative and bizarre. Somehow, these mass-produced cardboard pieces with their symbols helped me dislodge long-held beliefs and gave form to thoughts I couldn’t articulate. They’ve even allowed me to see what I’ve been hiding from myself.

Besides, if it’s good enough for Jungian psychologists, it’s good enough for the rest of us.

One of the few people I know who’s actively trying to change her life asked me for a reading. She was beginning to recognize some of the patterns she kept repeating, like falling for unavailable men (whether due to their relationships or mental/emotional struggles). She’d gotten to the point where she was willing to try something weird to get answers, and I was brave enough to help her.

When you start trauma healing, you inevitably take stock of your life and make some tough decisions—many of them painful, but necessary. One of those decisions for me was to cut ties or distance myself from people who were clearly abusing me or draining my energy. The good news is that some of these people may be inspired to start their own healing journey. The downside is that many will remain stuck, wallowing in their own mess, while you move so far ahead you can’t hear them complain anymore… or ever hear them again.

Over several months, we did readings to understand why this one guy she was head over heels for wasn’t reciprocating her feelings. Time and again, I pulled cards like Three of Swords, Ten of Swords, reversed Six of Swords, reversed Wheel of Fortune, reversed Queen of Pentacles—and many other cards that indicated his issues ran deeper than mere shyness… and confirmed her worst fears.

There were hints of trauma bonding, being stuck in old patterns, and an expectation that life should happen for him, and disappointment when it did in the “wrong” ways. He surrounded himself with reckless, immature friends and wondered why they all sucked. Yet he expected friendships to come to him without ever having to venture outside his usual circle to find various people who could enrich his life in new ways. Stuck in a career rut, he repeatedly turned down opportunities that he felt didn’t “gel” with him, then despaired over doing the same thing day after day. Trapped in loops, and baffled by the monotony that defined his life, he lacked the courage to try anything new—even once—to see if he liked it.

It reminds me of a blog post from an occultist that has stayed with me ever since I first read it over a year ago. The magician mentioned receiving emails from people begging for secrets that would change their lives, only to then describe the many ways in which they didn’t want their lives to change. To paraphrase him, “Wanting a different life means that it’s going to be different, which sounds insultingly obvious.” He couldn’t exactly pass judgment, since he himself had been in circumstances that he wanted to change but was terrified of just how different things could be. But eventually, there comes a point when you have to stop asking, “Why do things keep happening to me?” and start asking, “How can I make the things I want happen?”

I had to break my friend’s heart by telling her that she was hoping against hope that this guy would eventually see the life he was missing out on. She didn’t need a “project” to work on; she needed a healthy, stable partner who would be ready for her when they crossed paths. She deserved someone who knew himself well enough to recognize when his shortcomings were taking over, someone willing to take risks, initiate change, see setbacks as opportunities, and seek out adventures. Someone who made life happen. A real partner, not a fantasy.

My own heart broke for her.  I’ve been where she was, deeply in love with someone who was beautiful and held so much promise, someone I saw growing old with me… only to have them overlook me entirely… or worse, see me as a burden or not worth any emotional investment.

Part of changing your life is realizing when the people in it aren’t going to change theirs. Some of us are born helpers, and we feel like we’ve failed when the people we want to rescue can’t—or won’t—accept our help. Some people have to be the ones to save themselves, even if it kills us to watch them self-destruct first.

I gave her the title of two books from therapist Pete Walker that I hoped would help her understand what this guy is going through and how she could support herself, and maybe avoid this pattern again. I’m heartbroken and hopeful enough to share them with you as well, Dear Reader, because may you need them, or you’re trying to understand someone you love but can’t help: The Tao of Fully Feeling and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. (Note: I’m not an affiliate, so I don’t earn anything from this; feel free to find these books wherever you prefer.)

 

Photos for a fantasy world

After that, she turned to something that brought her a glimmer of hope.

Looking back at my recent posts, I realized I never officially mentioned the name of my fantasy audio play project. I should have found a way to weave it in amidst my rambling. It’s called Eximirene, which is also the name of the realm. Now that I’ve redeemed myself, let’s move on.

Like many fantasy worlds, Eximirene consists of various regions, but the one closest to my heart right now is Winterfern, named for the blue ferns that thrive in colder temperatures.

Since it’s such a special place for me, I want Winterfern to resemble one of my favorite places in the whole world: the Pacific Northwest. I could look up photos online (while sifting through AI-generated crap), but it feels much more meaningful to use personal photos.

I was going to post them now, but I think I’ll hold off and try something more artistic; play around in Affinity Photo or Procreate to touch them up a bit. Maybe I’ll go for a 90s aesthetic to match the era they were taken.

It gives me another project to keep my mind off things, so there’s that.