One-Year Anniversary

On January 9th, I was in an awful mood. The kind of mood where I wish ill upon others—careers crashing, nightmares, a sense of impending doom, incurable halitosis—and want to get lost in books or tactile projects until the day is over. The feeling persisted until I got the notion to look through my 2024 journal and found the entry for January 9th.

I’d heard about people getting overwhelming feelings on anniversaries. The death of loved ones, violent events, that kind of thing. I didn’t think it applied to projects.

I’m terrible with dates, so I couldn’t have remembered when I first brainstormed a particular online project. But there it was, a short note. And over the rest of the month, a few other notes.

If you’re new to this blog, the whole story is locked away in the 2024 posts I’ve hidden until I’m ready to revisit that year. But I’ll summarize it: I decided to start an annotation project based on a streamer’s videos in an effort to uncover my memories of the first video of theirs I ever watched. A few people liked it. A great deal didn’t understand it. Orbiting fandoms wanted to ruin me for it because they thought it was an attempt to somehow upend the main fandom or attempt to assert my control. How they thought I’d accomplish that by staying in my little corner and never expecting anything more than fellow fans to appreciate the project, I don’t know. But it left me with a disgust for certain online fandoms and streaming niches, and made me realize that I need to invest my energy elsewhere. (And if my insider sources are correct, the orbiting fandoms were projecting very hard.)

If you’re interested, here’s a timeline of excerpts with some info blanked out, because that’s how I want to do it for now:

  • January 9th: Blogging idea: recapping/commenting on my favorite [..] videos.
  • January 11th: Ink Tippler idea: revisit [..] videos and comment on them.
  • January 19th: Getting closer to an idea concerning [..] videos. Timestamps with summaries, references, commentaries? Would this end up being a database? No, I should focus on having fun on my blog.
  • January 26th: I had a few revelations about [..] videos that might lead me to finding the first video of his I watched.
  • January 27th: [..]. Wrote the “ground rules” and stated that my first attempt will be <>Super Metroid – Part 1<>. Now I’ve given myself a week to finish the post.
  • January 28th: Started an FAQ section for the [..] project.
  • January 29th: Lots of looking through [..] videos. [Here I go into detail about something that I thought would lead me to finding the first video I’d watched, which would probably be a spoiler here.]
  • February 1st: Began [..] Entry #1 and I soon realized what a task I’ve made for myself. Looking up sources, listening to lines several times to get accurate quotes, including images if needed… I’ll be surprised if I get this one done next week […].
  • February 15th: Posted the first [entry].

I don’t abandon projects easily, and sometimes I end up returning to them years later, such as the case of some old stories that I’m turning into zines. But this project is in hibernation for now, curled up safe in a hollowed out tree where nobody can bother it, guarded by a mama bear who commits psychologically humiliating acts on its victims before tearing out their throats.

But the source of my negativity on the 9th was found, and that’s what matters. Rather than ruminate on the negative, I’ll end this post with the positive things that happened in 2024. I need several reminders that good things did indeed happen to me during that year. “Pluses and minuses,” as my friend Jaybles says.

  • Found an MLIS program that appealed to me.
  • Worked up the courage to email the program director and ask for more information. Since we lived close to each other, she suggested a coffee meetup. Towards the end, she encouraged me to apply. She also said that my retail background would translate well into librarianship, which was the first time anybody ever viewed my background as a positive thing.
  • Applied to the program and was accepted.
  • Lurked in and eventually joined RevScarecrow’s chat, overcoming a lot of timidness when it comes to online interactions.
  • Followed Rev’s budding journey as a game developer and quietly began concocting my own ideas for games (with the full intention of cajoling Rev into playing them if I finish them).
  • Rediscovered zines as a medium and a way to give new life to old story ideas I’d forced into hibernation.
  • Quit my shitty retail job.
  • Stumbled on Dr. Ramani’s content on healing from narcissistic abuse—the very thing I needed out of everything else in 2024.
  • Found an incredibly receptive, welcoming group through my MLIS peers, as well as a field that actually aims to do good in the world instead of relying on performative optics (so far).
  • Began brainstorming LIS-centered projects and resources, possibly finding a niche for future works and a new way to redirect my creativity.
  • Through the American Library Association, I learned about the Games and Gaming Round Table, thereby finding a way to counterbalance future mind-numbing catalog/assessment work with projects to gamify librarianship.
  • Received a lead from a professor on a religious institution looking to establish an internship with the university—and I could be the first student at the university to accomplish this.

I rarely ever celebrate anything I accomplish. But after watching Dr. Ramani, meeting other people recovering from narc abuse, and developing a healthier sense of self, I think I’m long overdue for celebrating the things I got done and the progress I’ve made. It’s time I appreciate the work I do, especially when I’m being supported and encouraged to continue it by those who genuinely care.

And I’m especially appreciating the work I have in progress, which I might share the next time I post… if I can decide on which work in progress to show…